March 16, 2009 ~ A Year In Review and Healing!

It will be one year this coming Monday, March 16th, since we lost our son. I will always miss him, however I will always celebrate the beautiful person that he was. He had such a great sense of humor and he was a very highly evolved person. I am so proud of him in every way. From the time he was a tiny baby, he was so beautiful and loving to be with. I've never known a more sensitive person in all my life. We were in tune with each other and could finish each others' sentences. We looked alike. He had the same body type that I do and that my Father had. There is a photo of me in a formal at the piano and it looks like Chris in a formal.

The year has been so hard. But....I am better and healing. My faith has seen me through and my husband. He's kept his distance with me and my grief. It's been private...all my own. My love for Chris was private....and all my own. I struggled to help him his entire life.

I will always wish I could have done more. I will always wish I had found the Doctor that could have helped him. I will always miss him.

In my life I have suffered abuse from a very early age. I never had anyone that did not let me down or abuse me in someway. Chris is the only person that I knew without a doubt I could count on in life. He was always there for me. I am so grateful for the love I had for Chris. It was so complete and devoted. What a gift to be given. The love of Mother for her child. It now is the center of all that I am. I view the world from the eyes of love...the eyes of Mother's love. I love all and I cry for those that are hurt and abused. I pray each and every day that there shall be help and that we shall no longer know suffering. I pray for Chris each and every day and ask for blessings and boons from the Divine on his behalf that he shall never know suffering again in any lifetime. He has found his way.

Some people are not capable of such love. We all are on the road and progress will be made. Walking into love and being love is our hope for this world. Open your heart and love without judgment or blame. There is no forgiveness and nothing to forgive....only pure being which does know know judgment, blame or self pity.

Joy Absolutely and Glorious Divine Love is all there is. Chris is with me every moment of every day in all I am and all I do, as are all things.

Mother Says That There is No Need to Speak the Truth!

Mother whispers to me now and again. She cautions that there is no need to speak the truth. The truth lives in each and every person and they come to know that truth as they can bare it. We cannot hide from it or look the other way. It will always find us. What a joy it is to know that all things are dealt with on the Karmic level and that there shall be the reckoning for all people. There is no need for any action to ever be taken in providing the truth to another. Nature and the Divine will never allow it to go unanswered. There is satisfaction in this knowledge for me and surrender on every level.

Om aim srim hrim sarasvati devyai namah

I rest in Mother's love.

So Much and So Much Lost!

The heart does heal even from abuse and abandonment. Those that you trusted that let you down, you forgive and allowance prevails. We are all here doing the best that we can do and it is a hard road. And so we bless our efforts and we try a tiny bit harder each and every day to do better and to be better. We never ever, ever, ever, EVER give up and just maybe we get that beautiful glimpse of the radiance of divine love. I forgive those that hurt me, abused me and abandoned me in my time of need. I have been strong throughout my life and witnessing in nature as the hurt and abuse passed by. In this latter part of my life, I did not expect those closet to me to abandon me and turn away in my hour of need. I know in my heart of hearts that all was meant to be and that things set in motion from past lives and Karma manifesting shall have the result ordained by something much larger than me. I surrender and fill my heart with love, devotion and compassion for all those who struggle to know the self.

Jeanean Gendron on this day of March 2, 2009.

My Beautiful Boy!

It is approaching and I've had it on my mind. I am doing well. I've regained the self and healing prevails. I am once again celebrating life. I share my story in an effort to help those that have lost a child. It is not a natural thing to have happen and so I feel it is important to share what I have learned. I pray you never need this advice and care.

You must first concentrate on breathing. At first it seems that there is no air. Second, there does not seem to be a place where there is comfort....you want to hide and you cannot. You cry out for help and understanding and it comes...slowly....but it comes. Those first two weeks are a blur and I truly do not know how I made it except for the advice of Elaine Hanson "to breath Jeanean, just breath" and from a dear friend who told me "Jeanean while it is your darkest hour, it is also your greatest opportunity. Lean into your faith and it will see you through." And so it has. Day by day I've grown stronger. I've wanted from the beginning to be able to celebrate my son and the hero that he was. He was so loving and giving in nature. He truly has taught me so much about love and devotion. If I could but manage one small measure of his strength, courage and love, I would be pleased with such progress. My last word is to hold on to those times when things are good and let that fill your heart for those are the true times and the truth of our lives. Never waste a moment in loving your family. Take that moment to stop and spend it with them. You would give all for that moment afterward. So celebrate and fill your heart with love and do those things you've been intending to do....it is very important for you to do so.

My Beautiful Boy.

Reach Out To Help The Abused!

Abuse

My family growing up was an alcoholic family with my father being a philanderer and my mother rather nuts about it. She drank herself to death with a suicide at my age of 11. She carved out her pain in very embarrassing ways throughout our life. Restaurants and horrible scenes and so many embarrassing moments for me and my family and in every memory I have. She committed suicide when I was eleven years old. My father was a philanderer of women and it drove my mother nuts. She was most probably bi-polar, alcoholic and it was impossible for her to deal with the problems that my father presented to her in life. My father was an alcoholic, as well.

She committed suicide when I was eleven. I was alone in the house with her when this occurred. I was use to cooking dinner and putting her to bed when I was eleven. I saw her going out with other men from my library school window when I was eleven. I knew she saw other men. I put her to bed most nights and saw with horror her suspicions and accusations of my father. There were many weekends that my sister and I and my father physically took her down and remove a knife from her. Her intent was to kill my father. I know she was distraught and helpless and may have been helpless in her struggle, in my present awareness of past events, I can only remember she hurt us all as we struggled to maintain a normal existence in the relative world.

I knew things were terrible wrong. My mother committed suicide on May 18, 1958.

It took many years of working towards recovery to finally see my mother as a victim. She came to see me in my dreams (which were many over a period of time) to finally ask me if I had no compassion for her at all. I had so much anger for my mother. She hurt our family with her behavior and it took many years for me to be able to say....that I forgave her and to find compassion for her. I love my Mother and I forgive her for all things.

Life moves in patterns. I married an abusive man. He continued the abusive manner of life. He sexually abused my children. I have lost both my children. One to bi-polar disease and a completed suicide and one through rejection. My son's loss having devastated me in all ways, now gives way to loss of my daughter. She being the strong one, the one who could function.....nevertheless damaged. I love her deeply and even though one called louder than the other, the love was no less strong for both.

Let someone know someone cares.....out of nowhere a caring hand appears. It saves lives. God bless those that help the abused! It inspires us all.

I Believe in The Goodness of Life!

I believe ~ In The Goodness of Life!

In your darkest hour....know that it is your greatest opportunity! And so a friend reached out to me in my darkest hour.

So each day when I awake and put one foot in front of the other for that first cup of Joe....give my puppy Gigi a cookie and head for my computer....what do I think my day will be? I embrace a level of happiness and joy that all life has purpose and that we all are here to perform according to a divine plan.

Piece of cake....surrender and let God be in charge. It's not hard really.....it happens that way regardless whether we fight it or embrace it. Each little facet of each day is divine. God grants us the perfect moment of meditation and connection with goodness and the power to be brave and truthful.

Don't waste a second....live and love so completely....surrender to love, family and the divine presence of beingness. It's a good place to be! Treasure your time together....it may be the best times of your life!

I am in a place of celebration. As some may know I had a personal tragedy within my family. I lost my son in March, 2008. In my darkest hour....I turned to all that I have known in life...my faith in that all is meant to be and that we are given the means to move from sorrow to celebration of spirit and love. I have had a love so dear and feel so blessed to have known a special soul...my son Christopher Rule Schurr. He is with me always.

For those who have known the loss of a child, I encourage your to lean into your faith and learn to cherish the memories of your loved one. I celebrate each day with memories of my dear son. He is with me always in memory and thought. He touches my life a hundred times in a day. He lives within my heart and all that I am. I am a living testament to the beautiful person that he was.

Christopher Rule Schurr, born on November 2, 1972 and having left this world on March 18, 2008. He is forever with me in my heart.

Thanks Giving in the Truest Sense

I only now know the true sense of Thanks Giving!

I write this tonight with sweetness in my heart. I wish for all people in this universe saftey and comfort. I wish for those that are homeless a safe haven and a new opportunity.

I send my heartfelt appreciation to our local sponsors that help the homeless and those in need. I know the despair of a child in need, lost and in despair. I find myself grateful for those that contribute their time, effort and money to those who find themselves in despair.

I lost a son to mental illness. Bi-polar disorder can devastate a family. My son died on March 18, 2008. He was a beautiful soul.

I wish for all people and families that they never know this loss, that they know the beauty of life and joy of living. That they are blessed with comfort and abundance. I loved my son beyond all comprehension and I could not save him. I accept God's will and what is meant to be.

I send you best wishes for joy and celebration in this life. Let no barriers exist with those that you love and forgive and know compassion in your heart. Have a wonderful Thanks Giving and love those that are dear.

Remain committed to those that you love and let no obstacle stop your love. Learn and dedicate yourself to helping those you love. Allowance is half way home.

In celebration of my beloved son, Christopher Rule Schurr, he was the most gracious, couragous person I have ever known. He makes me proud to be who I am. He is my inspiration and my HERO. It is a time of sorrow for me on a personal level. At the same time it is a time of celebration for having known such a true level of love for my son and his love of me. We were truly connected and our love was complete.

Happy Thanks Giving To All in the truest sense!

Celebrating Christopher Each and Every Day!

It has roughly been six months since my son died. Each day has become easier. There is integration of Christopher in my life in new ways. A small utility knife that was his is mine now and I carry it everywhere. I sometimes where a jacket that was his. I bought myself a fish tank for my birthday and two fish he particularly liked. That fish tank makes me happy each and every day. It's in our office and the whole family partakes in feeding the fish, David, myself and our dog named Ginger. It is a daily ritual and the three fish are greeted and talked to and given food. A gift from my son. I think of him each day in many ways. Hearing the train, somehow take me to him. TV programs remind me of him. He is in my heart and with me in all things now. I'm good with that. No more suffering. If I begin to think of his suffering, then I am lost.

He was a brave soul and he tried so hard. I do wish I could do it over. I wish I had the means to get him better help. At the same time I know without a doubt that everything was as it was meant to be. I love him so and miss him every moment of every day.

I've dreamed of him several times. They are usually troubled in some way. He's going through the reverse on the other side and removing all the damage of this lifetime. It will take some time. I'm looking forward to when he comes to me clear and beautiful.

I suffered a heart attack in June and while there are things that could be done, I have decided to just live out my life. I don't want surgeries or procedures. I'm rather on the tired side and the struggle has been hard. I am in a state of happiness and bliss and I have surrendered in all ways to the Divine. I am celebrating all that I am and those that I love.

Abuse Takes Many Roads in this World!

This is dedicated to my daughter on her birthday. My son's illness and the sexual abuse he suffered as a small child was his burden that he could not shed. My daughter has dealt with it differently. Both have suffered.

Ode to My Daughter

My daughter was born two weeks late and I was frantic with anticipation. I wanted that baby to come. She came when she was ready, however and she's been in control ever since. When they handed her to me she had very alert eyes and she seemed to be looking all around the room . She seemed to be of a knowing nature. They say babies can't see well when they are born. She never cried. She was peaceful and quiet. She was the perfectly formed little baby all pink and cute. No screaming and no crying....just perfect silence and wide-eyed interest.

How would one know that in that moment we would set a bond that would hold throughout our lives and relationship. Things have pretty much stayed the same with my daughter. She's always the one in control and she never cries. She is very strong.

I've lost my daughter to those things in life that just happen from that first moment of life together. She was lost to me when she was born and she remains lost to me. Karmic bonds that long ago set things in motion for this life move silently through to final result.

She never wanted to be at home. I became a single mom when she was 10. She assumed responsibility for her brother, who was 7. I was so relieved to be out from under the rock of my marriage that even though it was harder, I celebrated my independence. I become a "Super Mom". Career and being a MOM was all there was for me.

We were all casualties to a dysfunctional lifestyle and the damage of a broken home. Somehow I made the mortgage payment and bought the school clothes....when she graduated, we did not have the money for her graduation ring. There were many things like that. She never thought she would attend college.

Seven years later, I met someone and married him. We managed to put her through her first year at Cal Poly and pay off her car. She finished on grants and loans. She is a successful professional in her field, is married and has two beautiful boys.

I felt somewhat relieved that she seemed to be the one that made it through it all and I rejoiced that I had a child that was complete and full of life. Her brother was diagnosed while she was in college with Bi-Polar Disorder and Severe Depression. She was so self-sufficient and accomplished. I leaned on her for support.

We moved through our lives....we moved to Salinas and bought a house big enough to hold a two generation family. Our son needed to live with us. My daughter maintained a closed relationship with us.

She came to me one day and told me that she was in crisis and that she had been in counseling for help. After several years, she had finally recalled that her father had sexually molested her and that her inability to connect or to trust was a direct result from this abuse.

It turned my world upside down. Let it suffice to say that it rocked my very self. The one thing in life that was at the core of who I was as a person was that of being a "good MOM". It would take me long months to come to terms with the truth of that day. My daughter shared with me that she could not remember her childhood and that she felt robbed of the love she was sure I had showered on her. Locked in her world of torment and torture she could not allow that love in or even recognize it. I felt it. I knew it on some level but not on the cognitive level. I just thought my daughter to be a self-reliant person and I gave her the permission to be who she was.

How could I have been so wrong. My son's condition worsened over the next several years and my daughter finally did not want to see him or have him near her children. It broke his heart and mine. I needed her and she needed me. We were separated by these unfathomable things that keeps us apart. I didn't know how to help her and I wanted to deny it all. I had my hands full with a child trying to commit suicide every other month and getting mentally unstable.

I've lost my daughter on so many levels and yet I really never had my daughter. She has been lost to me from that time of her birth. She knows not of all the kisses and hugs she got. She knows not of the swimming lessons, or the bows that were glued on her head because she had no hair. She knows not of my tears when she went away to kindergarden. She knows not of how proud of her I have always been and how much I have always needed her. She is so strong and she has withstood this all alone. Alone is the only safe place she has. She has conquered so much and she has done it in the state of alone. I have waves of love for my daughter and I miss her so. I pray that some day we can be together and know each other in love and friendship. I would really like to know her and I would wish that she not be alone.

Abuse is a terrible thing. If you know someone who has suffered abuse. Learn everything you can about recovery and be there for them. She's aready made a lifetime of recovery and progress. God bless and keep her and all those who are abused.

Christopher Rule Schurr ~ Remembering My Son on Mother's Day!

My birthday has come and gone. Work has always demanded so much of me. Even in this time of loss....it is work that helps me most. It has been that part of me which is mine. Raising my children alone was hard. Providing shelter, food and all their financial needs took away from other necessities. I worked 12 hour days Monday through Thursday and had a short day on Fridays. That was so that I could spend the weekend starting with Friday night with my kids. We usually got videos and pizza on Friday and then were busy with Soccer and Swimming on Saturday....with church on Sunday and cleaning the house or yard Sunday afternoon.

My kids were what has been termed "latch-key" kids. Left alone to fend for themselves at home and in their activities during the day. It was hard for us all.

My birthday was April 21...just a little over five weeks after my son left this world. Those days are a blur. The pain so intense...that breathing becomes hard. Each day...you gain strength and the ability to allow. Work again requiring my attention and time...blurs the pain and responsibility takes precedence...I wish I could go back and have more time with my kids. I wish I could do things differently.

I took my beautiful son to the river on my birthday and released him to the source. It was a good thing and it was time. I could not have done it sooner. I unplugged and spent the day with him in thought and prayer. We walked to the river and David found a beautiful spot. He walked into the river and let Christopher join with river and merge into the universe. He now belongs to all and is all. It was a perfect day.

I find comfort in small things now. A small item that was his...that I carry with me and use. I have a new fish tank with a two beautiful fish that Chris knew all about--Guarami...I think?. I have his record book of fish and plants and used it. The fish are beautiful and the tank wonderful. He taught me so much. He was so kind to me always and so thoughtful. He was my best friend. He always looked out for me and was always there for me....never have I known a time when he was not there. I find solace in the fact that I found the courage to let him go and that he suffers no longer. He stayed on this earth longer for love of me. The most beautiful love I have ever know is that of my beautiful son. I celebrate that beautiful and precious gift of love. It was and is Divine.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers in this world who love their children. Know that you are borne of love and that your ability to nurture and protect is your very nature. Know that you are doing your best and that you are not perfect. Fight for your children and be their protector and when there is doubt ask the Divine for help. You will never be refused. Your love is so vital in this world. I love my son beyond anything I could ever express. It takes my breath away and I am so grateful for the very core of my being having known a love that is boundless.

I miss my daughter.