My birthday has come and gone. Work has always demanded so much of me. Even in this time of loss....it is work that helps me most. It has been that part of me which is mine. Raising my children alone was hard. Providing shelter, food and all their financial needs took away from other necessities. I worked 12 hour days Monday through Thursday and had a short day on Fridays. That was so that I could spend the weekend starting with Friday night with my kids. We usually got videos and pizza on Friday and then were busy with Soccer and Swimming on Saturday....with church on Sunday and cleaning the house or yard Sunday afternoon.
My kids were what has been termed "latch-key" kids. Left alone to fend for themselves at home and in their activities during the day. It was hard for us all.
My birthday was April 21...just a little over five weeks after my son left this world. Those days are a blur. The pain so intense...that breathing becomes hard. Each day...you gain strength and the ability to allow. Work again requiring my attention and time...blurs the pain and responsibility takes precedence...I wish I could go back and have more time with my kids. I wish I could do things differently.
I took my beautiful son to the river on my birthday and released him to the source. It was a good thing and it was time. I could not have done it sooner. I unplugged and spent the day with him in thought and prayer. We walked to the river and David found a beautiful spot. He walked into the river and let Christopher join with river and merge into the universe. He now belongs to all and is all. It was a perfect day.
I find comfort in small things now. A small item that was his...that I carry with me and use. I have a new fish tank with a two beautiful fish that Chris knew all about--Guarami...I think?. I have his record book of fish and plants and used it. The fish are beautiful and the tank wonderful. He taught me so much. He was so kind to me always and so thoughtful. He was my best friend. He always looked out for me and was always there for me....never have I known a time when he was not there. I find solace in the fact that I found the courage to let him go and that he suffers no longer. He stayed on this earth longer for love of me. The most beautiful love I have ever know is that of my beautiful son. I celebrate that beautiful and precious gift of love. It was and is Divine.
Happy Mother's Day to all mothers in this world who love their children. Know that you are borne of love and that your ability to nurture and protect is your very nature. Know that you are doing your best and that you are not perfect. Fight for your children and be their protector and when there is doubt ask the Divine for help. You will never be refused. Your love is so vital in this world. I love my son beyond anything I could ever express. It takes my breath away and I am so grateful for the very core of my being having known a love that is boundless.
I miss my daughter.
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